What a great entry for my mind's file box; of course, I am too old to make full use of advice on
answering that onerous question of employment. I would like to have Thomas Merton's moxie when asked that very question (yes someone did). I can't, with surety quote him, but I think it
Perhaps one's station in life is important. I'm retired, so no longer ask people what they do. I often ask those who look retired about their hobbies, a surprisingly good question.
As a retired doc who writes poetry and plays the cello, you benefit from great stories all around, Rich. I'll give the hobbies question a shot, though I'll be coming up short when they ask about mine. It's shocking, simply shocking, that so few people are interested in my golf game.
Very interesting Bill. I am both an Asker and a non-Asker. I am naturally curious about people. Over time I “interview” people about their family and work history. Many years ago I was asked to join a group of about a dozen men who had been having dinner together once or twice a month for 20+ years. Over a period of months (maybe a couple of years) I got them to talk about their lives during our gatherings. It was obvious they had never shared similar details despite years together.
One the other hand…My wife chads me often for being terrible about never asking “what about you” when people ask me about my life. This often happens with new neighbors I meet for the first time. Her pushing (for 40+ years) has probably made me a bit better at this but it is still not something that comes naturally.
Your comment. is well-timed, Lou. I belong to a men's group of guys from our church and we're meeting tonight at our house. I've been part of the group for ten years or so and look forward to the questions asked of me and others by pretty much everyone in the group. I can also relate to your experience with new neighbors and passersby who stop to say hello. Once I get going with my own story, it often runs too long before shifting to the "What about you?" chapter of the conversation.
The issue is in the follow-up questions. I spent a year in talk radio, where my schmoozing interview style didn't work as well as it might have, though I had a great interview with Bobby Seale, since he's also a schmoozer.
But in live interviews, you have to get to the point, and my style worked much better when I could have a long, lazy conversation with someone and then analyze and condense it into a portrait in print. "What do you do?" is only the opening to "How'd you end up there?" which is a great question.
When I was coaching young journalists, I told them that if someone said "Follow your dreams," the next question was "Give me an example of when you did that."
Same thing in casual conversations. I worked the polls yesterday for a municipal election and, between ballot checks, schmoozed with the woman I was partnered with. I know not just "what she does" but that she is married, taught fifth grade, had a really good sense of classroom control, is 40 years old and lived much of her life in Seattle but spent high school years in San Diego. I even know her maiden name. It's not that I asked her "what she did" but that I listened, and asked good follow-ups. That's the key.
I especially appreciate your follow up to the "Follow your dreams" advice, Mike. Nothing like probing for specifics on something like that to either (a) render it real and potentially inspiring or (b) leave it as just another slogan.
I'm definitely an asker. A decade or more ago, I switched from: "What do you do?" to broader questions like: "What's bringing you joy" or "What are you involved in?" or "What are you passionate about?" and the answers are much richer.
And yes on the follow up questions. I believe that everyone has their "inner geek" and at parties, I sometimes focus on asking people I meet questions to try to figure out what they love to talk about or geek out about. It's a lot of fun.
I think you’re overthinking this. Some people are curious about others and the world we live in. Most people are not curious. I consider curiosity a gift, and questions as a sign that you care about someone. I am always shocked when someone asks me a personal question, or any question.
That could certainly be the case, Susan. But I wonder what drives curiosity. Or limits it. Some interesting research that I should have done before writing this: https://gemini.google.com/share/42db3306adb5.
I'm definitely an asker up to the point where I have to stop myself from asking what others might feel are intrusive questions, but to me they are just digging down a layer to aspects of a person's life about which I am always curious. And so I ask, and I ask, until I get the signal that maybe I've asked enough. Love that you wrote about this, Bill.
Delightful, Bill! (Non-asking for a friend...)
What a great entry for my mind's file box; of course, I am too old to make full use of advice on
answering that onerous question of employment. I would like to have Thomas Merton's moxie when asked that very question (yes someone did). I can't, with surety quote him, but I think it
included the word "breath". Marlene
You got it right, Marlene! According to Gemini: https://gemini.google.com/share/ccc96b020a79
excellent exploration of an important topic. loved it!
Perhaps one's station in life is important. I'm retired, so no longer ask people what they do. I often ask those who look retired about their hobbies, a surprisingly good question.
As a retired doc who writes poetry and plays the cello, you benefit from great stories all around, Rich. I'll give the hobbies question a shot, though I'll be coming up short when they ask about mine. It's shocking, simply shocking, that so few people are interested in my golf game.
Very interesting Bill. I am both an Asker and a non-Asker. I am naturally curious about people. Over time I “interview” people about their family and work history. Many years ago I was asked to join a group of about a dozen men who had been having dinner together once or twice a month for 20+ years. Over a period of months (maybe a couple of years) I got them to talk about their lives during our gatherings. It was obvious they had never shared similar details despite years together.
One the other hand…My wife chads me often for being terrible about never asking “what about you” when people ask me about my life. This often happens with new neighbors I meet for the first time. Her pushing (for 40+ years) has probably made me a bit better at this but it is still not something that comes naturally.
Your comment. is well-timed, Lou. I belong to a men's group of guys from our church and we're meeting tonight at our house. I've been part of the group for ten years or so and look forward to the questions asked of me and others by pretty much everyone in the group. I can also relate to your experience with new neighbors and passersby who stop to say hello. Once I get going with my own story, it often runs too long before shifting to the "What about you?" chapter of the conversation.
The issue is in the follow-up questions. I spent a year in talk radio, where my schmoozing interview style didn't work as well as it might have, though I had a great interview with Bobby Seale, since he's also a schmoozer.
But in live interviews, you have to get to the point, and my style worked much better when I could have a long, lazy conversation with someone and then analyze and condense it into a portrait in print. "What do you do?" is only the opening to "How'd you end up there?" which is a great question.
When I was coaching young journalists, I told them that if someone said "Follow your dreams," the next question was "Give me an example of when you did that."
Same thing in casual conversations. I worked the polls yesterday for a municipal election and, between ballot checks, schmoozed with the woman I was partnered with. I know not just "what she does" but that she is married, taught fifth grade, had a really good sense of classroom control, is 40 years old and lived much of her life in Seattle but spent high school years in San Diego. I even know her maiden name. It's not that I asked her "what she did" but that I listened, and asked good follow-ups. That's the key.
I especially appreciate your follow up to the "Follow your dreams" advice, Mike. Nothing like probing for specifics on something like that to either (a) render it real and potentially inspiring or (b) leave it as just another slogan.
I'm definitely an asker. A decade or more ago, I switched from: "What do you do?" to broader questions like: "What's bringing you joy" or "What are you involved in?" or "What are you passionate about?" and the answers are much richer.
And yes on the follow up questions. I believe that everyone has their "inner geek" and at parties, I sometimes focus on asking people I meet questions to try to figure out what they love to talk about or geek out about. It's a lot of fun.
Thanks for chiming in, Tim. What prompted your switch to new questions a decade ago?
I think you’re overthinking this. Some people are curious about others and the world we live in. Most people are not curious. I consider curiosity a gift, and questions as a sign that you care about someone. I am always shocked when someone asks me a personal question, or any question.
That could certainly be the case, Susan. But I wonder what drives curiosity. Or limits it. Some interesting research that I should have done before writing this: https://gemini.google.com/share/42db3306adb5.
I'm definitely an asker up to the point where I have to stop myself from asking what others might feel are intrusive questions, but to me they are just digging down a layer to aspects of a person's life about which I am always curious. And so I ask, and I ask, until I get the signal that maybe I've asked enough. Love that you wrote about this, Bill.
I'm with you, Melissa. I've been told I need some work reading those signals...